Posts Tagged ‘pain



It hurts. 

I don't need you
to tell me. 

I know
the word
for it. 

I know my word for it. 
I regret learning it from you. 
I regret repeating it out loud. 
I regret coming back to it. 
It is my fault.
I made it my word. 
Now I hurt. 

I don't need 
you to tell me. 

It will hurt
even worse. 

It will hurt even worse. 
It will hurt worse than childbirth. 
It will hurt worse than growing old. 
It will hurt worse than death
after death after death. 

I know the word for it. 

It will hurt worse than that. 
It won't stop hurting. 
It can't stop hurting. 
It will hurt and hurt and hurt
and it will hurt you 
and it will hurt him
and it will hurt me even worse. 

It is my fault.
I made it my word. 

Now I hurt. 


Won’t Be Long

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀I hurt.  I can't help but show it.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀He knows it.
⠀⠀⠀⠀He's so sad.  I tell him don't be.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀It won't be
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀that tragic.  It won't be wrong,
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀won't belong
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀to what we've had.  Be strong,
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀I tell him, don't think of it as going dead, not
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀when we've still so much future ahead, yet
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀he knows it won't be long.
                                   [posted for Sara as of date written]

Excess Excess

        I've been regaining weight I will not need
        to get me far enough to get close enough
        to bottom. No, I don't want to feed
        myself excesses I'd already ridden my body of.
        Too much age! I'm doing my years too fast
        with little to show for as as much as I have to do
        to be leaving. No, I don't want it all to last
        in excess past the time it took to love you.
                Gets me excessively second-guessing,
                        what with all my excessing.
        I'm feeling more pain than I can hope to numb
        enough to get myself a good night of sleep
        with no waking. No, but let the nightmares come —
        Each excess they make will be an excess I will keep.

Not Enough

     Not enough dark to fill the night I left behind,
          not enough cold to take up the void I dropped,
               not enough pain to make it feel real again,
                    not enough heat to burn off the shame
                         of not having the strength to fight
                              to stay to know to die to see
                                   to touch that singular
                                        turning away I
                                             should have
                                                  done to

hit and run

[preface notes: of all i write, this one will be the form i feel most vulnerable about posting first draft notes for – but i’m “on the run” today & will stick to it & not duck this one nor bury it – of all my traffic today it’ll take the most time, but if i do it right it’ll be the one i feel the rest to have been building toward

i was going to do “hit and run” as a pantoum, but the more i thought of where i wanted to go with it, the more it felt like it wanted a sestina. except these days i’m not doing sestinas, instead have been experimenting with the 11-count version. as observed by the wikipedia article on the sestina, retrogradatio cruciata can be considered clean only for certain numbers, such as 3 and 5 (both of which are established recognized named forms) and of course 6 (the sestina). wikipedia notes that the method also works out for 9, 11, and 14. maggie had worked out all the numbers for which the method works out ok up past 100; and although it starts getting crazy anywhere past 26 (which is one of the workable numbers), her notebooks include drafts through 35, which she was working on when she left (yes, 35 stanzas of 35 lines each, all rotating via retrogradatio cruciata, plus an envoy) – anyway, so i’ve done some 9s enough to feel comfortable with them (i know they’ll never be classics, but they do ok by me, which is all i need) & a few days ago i tried my first 11 version, In Formal Response – so i’ll leave the pantoum possibility for maybe some other “on the run” activity later this evening and do “hit and run” on the 11-line 11-stanza version of retrogradatio cruciata

following advice maggie had for any numbers higher than 9, i’ll be doing the envoy as an 11-word sentence, with those 11 words then giving the 11 end words for the 11 lines of each of my 11 stanzas
Draft envoy sentence: “if love hit too much for you, run out on me” [sorry maggie, but you did…]

then by maggie’s assignment for the envoy (which would match the sestina envoy arrangement if the 11 words were divided 2 per line in the envoy) gives the following assignment for the key words –

A       on
B       if
C       run
D       hit
E       for/four
F       much
G       to/two/too
H       you
I       love
J       out
K       me

which yields the following lineup for endwords on the 11 stanzas –

1       on / if / run / hit / for / much / to / you / love / out / me
2       me / on / out / if / love / run / you / hit / to / for / much
3       much / me / for / on / to / out / hit / if / you / love / run
4       run / much / love / me / you / for / if / on / hit / to / out
5       out / run / to / much / hit / love / on / me / if / you / for
6       for / out / you / run / if / to / me / much / on / hit / love
7       love / for / hit / out / on / you / much / run / me / if / to
8       to / love / if / for / me / hit / run / out / much / on / you
9       you / to / on / love / much / if / out / for / run / me / hit
10      hit / you / me / to / run / on / for / love / out / much / if
11      if / hit / much / you / out / me / love / to / for / run / on

and i nod to that first pass through it, since the middle stanza does end with “love” which feels as it should feel, as it turns on that. also, since i’ll have the 5 before that covering her “hit” i nod to the middle of that 5 closing with “run” – and vice versa, the final 5 covering her “run” having “hit” close out the center stanza – i do like how this is feeling already…

normally i wouldn’t call even this a full “first draft” until i had at least sketched out more of the language (at least enough to give a feel for where i’m going) but in the interests of keeping today’s traffic purely “on the run” and because the “run – love -hit” balance connects well with where i know i’ll go with it (and because david will give up on me if i don’t cut this break short) i’ll close this pass out on that note, further development & revision to follow in the blog (as will all november traffic, with final drafts to be completed by yearend)


On the Hole

            My shrink caught me snagging a hole mid-air
            right there in front slowing down to turn
            and twisting out a tail back out behind me
            pausing to suck in some of my unused space
            so I thought I had enough time to myself
            and it was like catching a fly in flight,
            but my shrink chose that moment to come in
            at least a minute ahead his usual routine
            and he didn't see the hole I'd just caught,
            oh he wouldn't've said he'd seen it anyway
            although he claims to be so expert at it
            and acts like he could find all the holes
            and that's why he does it for his living
            but I see them buzz near him all the time
            like fruit flies at a rotting banana peel
            and never saw him once act like he minded
            so I just figured him to be a hole donor
            and they were all after his unused space,
            but I wasn't about to let them suck on mine
            and besides he's poked as many holes in me
            as any and all of the worst he's taken out,
            then it's three times he has to question me
            before I look down at why I'm making a fist
            so I relax the tension in my fingers a bit
            but keep my hand tight so it won't get away
            and he sits there waiting for me to reply
            while I lose track and count how many more
            holes float by me or settle into his suit
            until something gives a little inside me
            maybe starting from my hand, yeah maybe so,
            so I decide to be a good girl and cooperate
            and besides he wouldn't believe me anyway
            same as nobody but you would ever believe
            so I tell him I'd snagged me a hole mid-air
            in front right there slowing down to crawl
            and twisting itself on back out through me
            while sucking at most all my unused space
            and he acts like he so wants to help me out
            asking me to open my hand and let him see
            so I remind him how silly to act straight
            as if a hole can ever be seen so easily
            and he'd not've let on he'd seen it anyway
            so he took my hand and gently tried to pry
            and I did resist enough for him to work
            but it was too late for both of us anyway,
            the hole had eaten its way free through
            and I could still feel its tail tangled up
            but he only wanted to know of the new scar
            which was all he needed to do his report
            and he decided it was all just a metaphor
            and some other babble he was scribbling at
            but I let the hole suck at my open palm
            as it slipped away from me, as I felt time
            draining into its edges like the last water
            how anymore all the holes smell like you,
            and that hole in my hand that won't leave
            is the empty space keeping time for yours,
            and my shrink asks again is it a metaphor
            because he thinks I want to talk of you
            like it's supposed to be some secret sign
            we shared together about holes lining up
            between us as though connecting worm holes
            from one of our universes into the other
            and back again, not even light getting out
            and he's reading his notes from past weeks
            and counting the holes he thinks he saw,
            so I remind him of the one they carved me
            deep into where I can't reach in my back
            to steal what you'd given without asking,
            but he only wants to do that one his way
            so I hold out my empty hand and say here,
            want the hole I snagged here for my files?
            except it's only a hole left by the hole
            and it's not as bad as the one in my back
            and it's got nothing to do with this scar
            and it's not the one in place of yours
            and it's not even one of his metaphors.


But This Hole

            What's a thief to do after theft?
                                    They left.
            Was any party badly cut?
                                                Me, but...
            What was insured of what they stole?
                                                            This hole.

            In time, I'm told, I'll have a mole
            to mark the damage left behind
            apart from parts that were not minded:
                        they left me but this hole.

formal attire

short of breath

  • @magewing always and unfailing love thank you ○ 5 years ago
  • Cyn & Denise perfect love ferocious & open thank you ○ 5 years ago
  • @poetalias thank you ○ 5 years ago
  • all of it in good hands, as will be my child - thank you ○ 5 years ago
  • all of it now handed over so I can conserve remaining strength for my final creation ○ 5 years ago
  • how is it i remember what the word 'intrinsic' means, yet i can't figure out which beliefs are intrinsic to me vs having been read to me? ○ 5 years ago

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